Spirituality + Identity

My spiritual journey has been a roller coaster to say the least. I grew up an evangelical christian and took on the role of good girl with complete abandon. I was the good girl. I had to look like the good girl…even if that didn’t necessarily describe every piece of me, it had to look like it described every piece of me. Being the good christian girl was my whole identity.

And then life happened. The scarlet D of divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. It was an external representation of how much of a good christian girl I no longer was…it was something I couldn’t hide. I tried to hold on to my good girl status in my own eyes for a while…but slowly the cracks got bigger and then at some point that identity became less and less. But in its absence, I had lost the only identity that I had known. Who was I if I was no longer the good christian girl? Part of me still tried to fit into that box, and part of me wanted to burn it all down.

This is a continuous journey for me. Spirituality. What I believe, what I hold on to, what feels true, what doesn’t. It changes…constantly. I used to believe that wasn’t possible. I believed that truth was truth and it never changed. Well, that no longer feels true for me. And in the midst of that truth changing, I have opened myself up to other modalities, other truths, other paths of spirituality. And it feels like home.

My spirit is healing. My soul is healing. My body is healing. And I am redefining who I am. I am becoming. And I will continue on this journey for the rest of my life. Because I believe that the only way to truly live, to be alive, is to evolve and change and transform. And that is my devotion. Becoming. Evolving. Transforming. Being. Living.

So what do I identity as now that I have released the good christian girl as my one true identity? I am me. I am true to myself. I ebb and flow where my energy and curiosity takes me. I am open. I am rising. I am a soul explorer. I am free.

Divorce + Death

For me, my story is what fuels me. It’s why I believe in this so much. This owning your story. This claiming your story. This living your life and not letting your life live you. This transformation through transitions. This knowing WHO YOU ARE. It’s why I believe in counseling and therapy, in journaling, in coaching, in freedom, in changing your truth, in alone time and in safe spaces with safe people.

I feel like my story hit rock bottom when, at 27, I found myself a divorced widow. I don’t know if that is a real term, but I have used it to describe myself since the day I learned that my first husband had passed away in a tragic accident just a few short months after our divorce was finalized. My life had already been turned upside down with our divorce, but to add his death on top of everything shattered me completely.

It has been a long journey, that I will be on for the rest of my life, but owning my story has changed my life. Being present in my grief was so important for me and letting each day be it’s own was crucial in that process. Whether a day was so bad I hardly knew how to breathe, or I found myself basking in the sunshine and enjoying the simple things in life. His death brought to light how much I wanted to live real life, the life that was right in front of me. I wanted to feel all the things, all the time. I wanted to be alive, not just survive.

This is why I believe in owning your story. It is so, so worth it.